


And Beyond

by sheroars



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: "Retired" Life, Case Fic, Character Study, Domestic Fluff, F/M, New Jobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-01 15:39:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15146312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheroars/pseuds/sheroars
Summary: After retiring, Rafael teaches and Olivia goes into victim's advocacy. A look at the life and puzzles after the job and outside of court.





	1. It's Friday, I'm in Love

He liked to spread all his stuff out on the coffee table. He usually flipped back and forth between three or four references while grading papers. He sat on the floor and leaned back on the couch, chewing a pen and musing over the words of Columbia law students.

 

She liked laying down on the couch behind him and watching him think. She liked tracing patterns on the back of his neck and playing with his hair while she watched TV. Stroking his shoulders. His chest. Listening when he asked if a phrase sounded grammatically correct or legally accurate.

 

It was a Friday morning. Noah was at school. He didn't have any classes to teach. She had blocked out the day for board meetings and a leadership training but had woken up to a myriad of cancelation emails. So here they were. She felt intensely peaceful. In fact, she had barely bothered to get dressed today. She was lounging around in some boy shorts and an oversized sweater and scant else. He was still in his pajamas, working and sipping on his second cup of coffee. The morning news was on low but depressing as ever. Olivia yawned and stretched, rolling over on her stomach and reaching over to trace figure eights on the back of his neck.    

 

"Rafael…" She sighed.   

 

"Hmmm?" It took very little provocation for him to abandon his work and turn around, draping an arm across her waist. She giggled when he fixed her with a serious look. "Can I help you?"

 

"Wait-" She turned on her side and took off her reading glasses and put them on his face, perching them on the end of his nose. "Say that again." He laughed and pulled them off, carefully setting them on the coffee table. He must have been feeling soft around the edges. He gave her a smile before leaning in pressing barely-there kisses to her neck while rubbing her back.  "Everything okay?" He asked, sitting up and kissing her quickly on the lips.

 

"Come here." He was acquiescing before she even finished asking, lying between her thighs and sinking into her arms. They kissed languidly. She nuzzled under his ear and sighed again, relishing the comfort of his weight draped over her and the sound of his breathing and the smell of him fresh out of the shower. He tilted her chin up and kissed her deeply, flicking his tongue against hers teasingly.

 

"Liv." He attempted to look stern again but just ended up looking amused. "Am I going to get any work done today?" She shrugged. 

 

"I mean, if we're taking a vote…I don't like your odds." He snickered, pinching her thigh and nipping at her ear lobe. He sighed, getting comfortable. She hooked one leg around his thigh. He traced her lower lip with his thumb and groaned when her tongue flickered against his skin.

 

"I'm too old for this." He mumbled against her cheek.

 

"Wanna go back to bed?"

 

"Tempting." Her mouth opened under his and he was momentarily lost. His cell phone broke the fog in his brain. She couldn't help but be a nuisance. Moving. Kissing up his throat. Putting her hands up the back of his shirt.

 

"Hola Mami." He held the phone sideways to keep the caller out of sound range, taking her chin in his hand and biting her bottom lip in retaliation. "Muy bien. Gracias. Como estas?" They giggled at each other as he sat up, putting some distance between them. "Si. Si Mami. No, yo entiendo. Esta bien. Si. Just email it to me. I'll take a look at it. Okay. I'll call her. Don't worry. No…don't worry. Alright. You too. Adios." He sighed dramatically and dropped the phone on the side table.  

 

"That sounded fun." Olivia said sympathetically, reaching out to fiddle with his sleeve.

 

"My Tia Esperanza wants legal advice. I haven't heard from the woman in 3 years but apparently her new boyfriend is exigence for a family reunion." She sat up, sliding a leg over his lap and slowly coming to sit astride his thighs.

 

"Sounds like a fun guy."

 

"Barrel of laughs." Whatever dark mood might have been coming on abated almost immediately. She stroked one side of his face and kissed his other cheek. The corner of his eye. His brow. He sighed happily, gathering her up in his arms and against his chest.

 

"Wanna get something greasy for lunch and rent an R-rated movie before Noah gets out of school and we're stuck watching the Incredibles all weekend?"

 

"Yes please." She smiled and kissed him again. They ordered in Chinese and half way paid attention to a shitty old action movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger in it after sharing a shower and some other pleasurable R-Rated activities. They finally got dressed around two and picked up Noah from school. He was practically levitating with excitement to see the both of them. Usually Lucy handled pick up on Fridays and helped start homework so nothing was left till the last minute on Sundays. Today they went to Columbia so Rafael could handle office hours. Olivia took Noah to the library and helped with his math worksheets and Spanish flashcards.

 

Friday was also Noah's night to choose dinner. Today the verdict was homemade spaghetti and meatballs so they headed to the grocery store. Noah pushed the cart around and put a great deal of unnecessary ingredients while singing a song to himself about meatballs.

 

"He doesn't really want to put gummy worms in there, does he?" Rafael asked. Olivia shrugged and slipped her hand into his.

 

"Watch him. One time he dumped out a shit ton of cayenne pepper into a pot of chili without me noticing." She laughed at his horrified expression.

 

Noah loved being assistant chef. Olivia sat at the counter with her laptop while Rafael attempted to put together dinner with her little boy's grabby hands. It was hard to answer emails when they were both making her laugh so hard. A recent message from Amanda caught her eye.

 

"And now we wait." Rafael said, slightly relieved, as he put lids on pots on the stove top and started cleaning up. "Can you go wash your hands amigo? And then help me set the table?"

 

"Yes Rafa!"

 

"Make sure to get that ground beef out of your hair por favor." He called after Noah as he trotted to the bathroom. "You okay?" He asked Olivia when he noticed she wasn't laughing at his predicament anymore. He frowned when he saw the furrow in her brow. 

 

"Yah. Amanda just dropped me a line about one of our new residents. The paperwork we got was lacking and she barely got enough restitution to cover a few therapy sessions. Her lawyer stopped answering her calls and she lost her job. Her apartment too. She's living at the house currently. I'm trying to see how I can help but it's…ugly."

 

"Did it come out of Manhattan SVU?"

 

"Bronx. But Carisi helped with the collar. It was a Wall Street guy that Rollins had been tailing for awhile. He entered an Alford plea but the judge apparently sided with him. He'll do a year for assault and then walk."

 

"Will he go on the registry?"

 

"No. But these court documents are confusing. There was some sort of settlement and exchange on nondisclosures. I've never seen anything like it. Amanda is as confused as I am." Rafael frowned. Noah came jogging back into the room.

 

"Anything pressing?" Rafael asked.

 

"Nothing that can't wait till Monday."

 

"If you can spare the time for lunch Monday, I can take a look at it." She finally smiled again, closing her laptop. 

 

"Thank you."

 

Dinner was surprisingly surprise-less. And delicious. True to Olivia's prediction, Noah insisted on watching the Incredibles again before they saw the sequel tomorrow afternoon. He dozed off during the last ten minutes of the movie and didn't put up much of a fight when it came to his bath and bedtime routine. Olivia rejoined Rafael in their own bedroom. He brought a bottle of red wine and two glasses. She put on some mindless TV. 

 

"Something on your mind?" He noticed her fidgeting despite being reclined against him and what was probably three too many pillows for a bed their size.

 

"Still trying to turn off my brain, I guess. Long week." They had both worked through the previous weekend when Noah was napping or sleeping, waking up early and going to bed late. It had been awhile since they had time like this. He kissed the top of her head and held her a little tighter.

 

"Anything I can do?" She swallowed the rest of her wine and put the glass aside, sitting up slightly to do so.

 

"Knock me over the head with something heavy." He snorted and pulled her back into the circle of his arms and halfway across his lap. She pouted against his shoulder.

 

"Wanna fool around?" She burst into giggles, hiding her face in his shirt.

 

"So romantic."

 

"It's 2018. We cut to the chase now. Let's fuck." She snorted with laughter and slapped a hand over his mouth.

 

"NO."

 

"Netflix and chill?"

 

"Shut uuuuuup." She wrapped her arms around his neck. He held her back. "You're so stupid." He snorted, blushing a little.  

 

"I know." He smiled against her neck, closing his eyes and breathing her in. "Tell me what you're thinking."

 

"I need to find a way to help Andrea. The woman I was telling you about earlier. I don't know how to yet, and it's irritating me." She leaned back, sitting sideways between his thighs. She brought her knees up and tiredly rested her head against them. He stroked her hair back.

 

"You don't need to have all the answers right now. She's safe. You can take your time."

 

"Can I though?" He shrugged. 

 

"Someone had to remind me once that urgency is often irrational. Particularly in our line of work. Separate the wheat from the chaff. You'll get where you need to go." She raised an eyebrow, impressed.

 

"Who's the someone?" He laughed. 

 

"You." She honestly couldn't recall. And the absurdity made her laugh too.

 

"You must have polished that up. I never sound that nice."

 

"You do after I've had a few." He raised his second glass of wine to her. She backhanded him but they were grinning.                           


	2. Monday's Blue

He rolled over and breathed deeply, draping an arm around the curve of her waist over the duvet without opening his eyes. She had woken up far earlier than she needed too. Showered. Dried her hair. Returned to bed. Her eyes were closed but he knew her mind was working a mile a minute. She was going to be exhausted by noon at this rate. Old habits die hard. He pressed his lips to her forehead and nosed her hairline. She smelled like his soap. It still made his heart flutter. She tilted her chin up and kissed him. Somewhere in the apartment Noah was bumping around, getting himself dressed and cleaned up for the day. 

 

"Want me to take Noah this morning?" She held on to his shirt collar, pulling him a little closer.

 

"Lucy's gonna pick him up." She tucked herself under his chin and stayed there for a bit. Noah used an open hand to knock on their door.

 

"Rafa! Can you do my hair like you did that one time?"

 

"Yes, come in!" Noah had a palm full of hair gel ready, much to their mutual horror.

 

"Noah!" Olivia yelped.

 

"What?"

 

"Nothing, amigo." Rafael chuckled, sitting up and slapping the spot next to him on the bed. "Just bring me the jar next time. And don’t touch anything with that." Noah giggled.

 

"Whoops." Noah had watched Rafael get ready one morning about a month ago and now he was obsessed with styling his own hair just so, much to everyone's amusement. Minus the one morning he doused himself and his backpack in stolen cologne, it was a pretty adorable obsession. 

 

"There you go, No." Rafael gave him a final ruffle. 

 

"Handsome." Olivia said, pinching her son's cheek. "What did you make us for breakfast?" Noah shrieked with laughter at the thought.

 

"I can make you some cereal, Mommy."

 

"Delicious. Homemade cuisine." Rafael teased.

 

"Can we get donuts?" He put on the puppy eyes. 

 

"You two had those for breakfast yesterday." Olivia yawned and stretched.

 

"Busted." Rafael sighed.  "How about some quick eggs and toast?" Olivia snorted.  

 

"I don't know who I trust less. Noah with cereal or you with eggs." 

 

"We don't have to take this." The little boy giggled more, sliding out of bed and running off towards the kitchen. By the time Lucy knocked on the door everyone was dressed and mostly prepared for the day. Noah gave them both a big hug and a loud goodbye. Olivia and Rafael left shortly after, grabbing Starbucks down the block before heading in opposite directions.

 

"Come by around noon." He said, touching her cheek affectionately.

 

"Will do." She smiled.

 

~

 

Group therapy at Carnation House started on Mondays at 10 sharp. One psychologist, one counselor, Olivia, and two organization alumni sat down with all current residents and clients. They usually had around 30 to 40 people show up and ended up breaking into groups of 10 after an initial large group conversation.

 

Attendance was on the lower side today. When they broke into four groups of five, pausing to let everyone get fresh cups of coffee, Olivia noticed Andrea Huesca was with someone she had never seen before.

 

"Lydia…" Olivia beckoned over one of the counselors, a six foot silver haired woman who knew everything about everyone at all times. "Whose that with Andrea?" The older woman beamed. 

 

"Elyse. We finally got the hardest piece of homework punched out."

 

"Good." Something in her chest loosened. Progress. They sat down in small groups. Andrea raised her hand to speak first. She was shaking a little bit. Pink in the cheeks but paler than normal. She was a tan skinned young woman with raven black hair and dark eyes.  

 

"What's on your mind, Andy?" Lydia immediately gave her the floor.

 

"I've started to tell people about what happened to me." The group broke into smiles and congratulatory affirmations. Andrea sucked in a breath and managed an embarrassed smile. "I told my parents why I was taking a year off from school. I told my bosses why I took a leave of absence. And I told my best friend everything…and it felt…terrible." She let out a dry laugh."This is Elyse." She introduced her companion to the group. Elyse was short and stocky with arms covered in tattoos. Her face was kind. She held Andrea's hand between her own. "It's cliché but I really do feel like…lighter? Better. This is the first time I've really felt significantly better. Like I'm actually doing something other than treading water."

 

~

 

"What do you mean they lost her rape kit?" Rafael said around a mouthful of sandwich. 

 

"Kit was taken and tested in Bronx. By the time SVU detectives showed up to pick up the physical evidence it was gone. Trial started two days later."

 

"Fuck."

 

"Her kit was tested the same day as 50 others. Ironically enough 4 backlog cases were finally closed but hers was the one they managed to lose entirely."

 

"Did somebody just walk out with it?" They were eating lunch and going over Andrea's case. He was still halfway through the papers she had brought him.

 

"Where there's smoke there's fire." She agreed. "Amanda says Carisi has been logging overtime with one of the Bronx detectives trying to figure out what the hell happened. The trial went okay with just the lab reports. Jury seemed to trust the expert testimony. But the Alford plea really threw a wrench in whatever plan the prosecution had."

 

"Usually does." 

 

"The judge set aside all the jury recommendations and lead prosecutor's concerns. Basically a play by play for worst possible scenarios. Bastard will be walking the street in three months." 

 

"You would think we would have learned something after Brock Turner."

 

"Well. Women did." A tap on the door made them both jump a little. 

 

"Rafael do you happen to- oh excuse me."

 

"Come in."

 

"I forgot you had a lunch appointment." An older man with thick glasses and a tweed waistcoat joined them in Rafael's small office.

 

"Dr. Harold Hannigan, Olivia Benson." He shook her hand enthusiastically.   

 

" _The_ authentic Olivia Benson? Outstanding. We were starting to wonder if this _fiancé_  even existed."

 

"Hannigan? I've read that name somewhere." Olivia laughed and leveled back.

 

"Best public defender New York county ever saw in 90s." Rafael filled in.       

 

"I was young once." Hannigan sighed. "Do you still have that copy of Natural Law and Natural Rights?"  Rafael consulted one of his many bookshelves, producing the volume and a few others. "Thank you dear boy, I'm off to another dreadfully tedious Garrison lecture. And Olivia, please don't be a stranger. The faculty gets together once a month for dinner and Rafael consistently leaves me alone with the wolves." Hannigan winked and took his leave. Rafael grinned and rubbed the back of his neck, shrugging an apology for the interruption.   

 

"He comes by almost every other day asking for the same handful of books."

 

"He's very nice." Olivia assured him. "Have you been talking me up?" She teased, narrowing her eyes.

 

"Not at all." He cleared his throat, bending over his desk again while failing to suppress a lopsided smile. Olivia finished her lunch and checked her emails while he finished reading. "It's…iron clad red tape essentially. If Andrea wants the rest of her five thousand dollar restitution she can't take any recourse. And if she breaks the nondisclosure agreement she'll get buried."

 

"That's what I thought." Olivia said bitterly. "No loopholes?"

 

"I'm scanning, so I can't be sure. I mean, ideally the rape kit is found and someone can convince a judge that the first trial was infringing on her right to due process. And that this is intimidation. Whoever advised she comply with a nondisclosure should be disbarred. She would have gotten restitution without it. I could have gotten her triple the money with my eyes closed, Alford plea or not."

 

"Carnation House just got another fairly generous grant. We were able to supplement so as long as she sticks with us she won't pay for housing or therapy."

 

"That's something." Olivia nodded agreement.

 

"It's almost been a year now. She told her friends and family what happened to her last week."

 

"God." Rafael's face twisted into a frown.  

 

"She had to take a year off school. She couldn't work. She got evicted. There was a hospital stay. Physical therapy. An in-patient psychiatric clinic after a suicide attempt." Rafael wheeled his chair from around his desk so he could sit next to her. "She was sexually abused when she was a child. She moved halfway across the county or restart her life. This isn't justice." He put a firm hand on her knee.

 

"It isn't."   

 

"I don't know what else to offer her, Rafa."

 

"I'll keep looking. Hannigan somehow failed to mention that he's also an expert in contract law." Olivia let out a light laugh.

 

"Thank you." She cautiously dropped a hand over his and linked their fingers. The ring on the fourth finger of her left hand seemed extra shiny today. "How many classes do you have this afternoon?"

 

"Mmmmm just two. And then office hours." He looked over to the slightly open door before leaning over and kissing her suddenly. A thrill went up her spine as she kissed him back, letting her eyes fall shut briefly. 

 

"Buy you a drink afterwards?" She asked. He raised an eyebrow before smiling again.

 

"Yes please." She stood and began to gather her things. A soft touch on her waist was all it took for her to turn and find herself in his arms. He cinched both arms around her waist and scanned her face, his own expression suddenly serious.

 

"It'll never be right. But you can make it okay. Maybe even better." She slipped an arm around his neck and kissed him again. And a third time.

 

"Thank you for humoring me. I don't know why I'm so out of it." He kissed her cheek. 

 

"The day's only half over. You still got time to move mountains, Nena." _Baby girl_."You'll probably get the chance to boost my self esteem over dinner." She snorted, taking a few slow steps back to remind herself that she did in fact have to go back to work. The deeply affectionate look on his face was not helping one bit. 

 

"Try not to destroy too many undergrad hopes and dreams."

 

"Hoy si que te ves presciosa." He said, as if purposely ignoring her attempts at saying goodbye. _You look really beautiful today._  

 

"Yo también te quiero. Te veo pronto." _Love you too. See you soon._                          


	3. Such a Gorgeous Sight

"Carnation House, Olivia Benson speaking."

 

"So professional." Lucia Barba chuckled. Some of the tension fell out of her shoulders at the sound of the familiar voice.

 

"Hi Lucia. How are you?"

 

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

 

"Not at all. I was just about to close up shop for the evening."

 

"I just got off the phone with a few friends of mine. All the reservations are in place. We're all ready. All there's left to do is wait."

 

"That's great." Olivia's stomach flipped. "Thank you. So much."

 

"Of course. Now, tell me where you're at on a wedding dress. Rafi said you were stuck."

 

"Well-" She couldn't help but stutter. The woman was practically omnipotent. "I tried on some gowns. It just seemed a bit much is all. Nothing looked right. I uh… don't think I'm the white dress type."

 

"It's kind of a silly tradition isn't it?" She almost choked on her lukewarm coffee when Lucia agreed with her. "Have you tried just looking at evening gowns? I think you would look lovely in a tea length. And color, god you could wear any color you wanted." Olivia didn't realize she had gone mute. "You still there? Speak up, darling." 

 

"Your family really wouldn't mind?" The older woman giggled. 

 

"Anybody who would waste energy minding is not invited. We made sure of that. This is about you and Rafael having a really nice evening…and me finally getting some decent photos. Did he tell you that he banned me from his prom?" 

 

"Oh my god."

 

"Anyway, I gotta go. Just wanted to update you. If you want to go dress shopping again I'd be more than happy to come along."

 

"Thank you, Lucia. I mean it. Are we still on for Sunday?"

 

"Absolutely. See you then."  

 

It didn't feel real sometimes. The weight of the engagement ring was natural enough at this point, but a _wedding_. With flowers. And people. Witnesses. For years the idea had been pushed back to the furthest corner of her mind and when Noah came into her life it had vanished entirely. A wedding was a girlhood fantasy that she was content never bringing to fruition. Grown out of so to speak. But damn. They all say falling asleep only gets harder when reality is finally better than your dreams. And how many weekdays did she and Rafael accidentally stay up till two in the morning whispering to each other? 

 

"Ms. Benson?" Someone tapped on her office door. She recognized the face immediately.

 

"Elyse, right?"

 

"Yah." The young woman smiled as Olivia stood to shake her hand.

 

"Take a seat. What can I do for you?"

 

"I wanted to introduce myself last week after the group session, but I think you had another appointment." Elyse handed her a business card with all of her contact information on it.  "I know you're busy as hell, but if Andy… if there's anything I can do, I want to be somebody you can call. Any hour. I know she doesn't have any emergency contacts in the city."

 

"Elyse Parks." Olivia said, memorizing the name and putting the number on top of Andrea's file. "I'll make sure. She's been showing a lot of progress. Last week's group therapy was big." Elyse smiled.

 

"It was. What else can I do?"

 

"Keep coming." Olivia smiled back. "Keep loving her. Supporting her. Listening. There's not much you can do wrong." Elyse nodded, fidgeting a little nervously. Probably unconvinced by the last part. "Andrea said you were her best friend. Is there anybody else in your circle?"

 

"A few others. I think she's told one other person that she was assaulted but, not too in depth yet. We all met in school but Andy and I have always been really close. She's…my person, you know? The first person on my speed dial. I need to know that I'm doing everything in my power to-" Olivia nodded her understanding. 

 

"I used to be with the NYPD. I worked in the Special Victims Unit for several decades. The main part of my job here, typically, is to guide people through the aftermath of trial. I haven't seen a case quite like Andy's. It was...a sham, really." Elyse blinked back tears. "But I want to assure you that I'm in the same boat. I'm going to make absolutely sure that Andy is safe and provided for, by the law or by us. To the fullest extent."

 

"She was so devastated by the trial. She wants it as far behind her as she can get it. But I think if there's any justice that can be claimed outside of all of that-"

 

"I agree. We'll find it." 

 

~

 

Noah was fairly clingy when it came to the 30 or so minutes before bed. Dinner with Fin, Carisi, and Rollins ran fairly late into the evening so he fell asleep in Olivia's lap during coffee and desserts. The restaurant was quiet and dim. She just leaned back in her chair and cradled him to her chest. Little Jessie had done the same but the group was in no hurry to leave. They rather relished their time together now that it wasn't so compulsory.

 

"Hand out many F grades lately Professor Barba?" Carisi teased.

 

"I've been told I'm up to a 4.8 on Rate my Professor, thank you very much."

 

"What the hell is that?" Fin snorted.

 

"It's like Yelp for college professors." Olivia snickered. "There's only one passive aggressive review."

 

"Really?" 

 

"Don't look so impressed, Rollins."

 

"How are things at the C-House, Liv?" Fin continued.

 

"Really good, actually. I'm in DC next week for a conference."

 

"What for?"

 

"Senators and legislation and schmoozing and such. We just got some grants from a heavyweight democratic donor so I'm presenting our advocacy model in hopes of inspiring funding in other states for similar programs."

 

"Ooooooh."

 

"Fancy."

 

"Way to go, girl."

 

"If you need any help with the squirt, let me know Raf." Amanda said.

 

"It's midterm season so I have time." He put an arm around the back of Olivia's chair. The conversation flitted on. Carisi's oldest sister was getting married. Again. But otherwise life was pretty good. He had just passed the sergeant's exam and had snagged a commendation from the top brass. Amanda was busy as hell but loving every minute of it. Jessie was starting school and her closure rate as a Lieutenant was nearly record breaking. Fin's son was now halfway through the adoption process for his foster daughter, a young teenager he and his husband had taken in earlier in the year. Fin was loving stay-at-home grandpa duties. Taking the younger kids back and forth and digging up new hobbies. He was really into making art lately, much to their utter disbelief, and coaching little league.

 

Saying goodnight always took awhile. Noah barely stirred when Olivia shifted him to her hip. Rafael ushered them into a cab. Olivia yawned and sat back, limbs deliciously heavy from the wine. Noah snuffled, rubbing his cheek against her shoulder. Rafael dropped his coat around the little boy's back and gave the driver their address.

 

"That was nice." He said.

 

"Yah." She agreed, wrapping her arms a little more tightly around her son. "Really nice." He put an arm around her shoulders, carefully guiding her a little closer to support some of the boy's weight. She tilted her head against his shoulder. "Thanks for coming."

 

"Of course. I almost miss them sometimes." She chuckled, leaning on his side a little more.

 

"Your mom called me today."

 

"What did I do?"

 

"Nothing. Not yet anyway. She said all the reservations are in."

 

"God. Who did she kill?"

 

"I don't know and I don't want to know." She mused. "Blackmail would be more her style, though."

 

"Fair."

 

"Why did you ban her from your prom?"

 

"Do you really have to ask that?" He snorted. "She's a menace now. Back then she was a terror." He pushed hair behind her ear and traced circles on her neck with his finger tips.

 

"She's sweet." Olivia said. "She's really amazing." When she looked at him he was smiling. It made her stomach flip and her heart swell.  

 

"She really loves you."

 

"I love her."

 

"Good."

 

"Yah." He pressed a long kiss to her temple. "It's starting to feel real." Olivia said, warm head to toe. October was knocking on their door. The leaves were changing and chilly nights were turning into cold mornings and bright, brisk days. The date was set for New Year's Eve.

 

The cab stopped. Olivia carefully got out without jostling her son too much while he paid. In the elevator he tilted her chin up and kissed her deeply. Noah started to squirm so she nipped at his lip and took a step back. It took a team effort to get Noah's rag doll body through a bath and into PJs. She ran a bath for herself when all was said and done. He put on some soft music and finished up some odds and ends. Paperwork. Emails. Laundry. He brought her a warm towel and sat on the edge of the tub for awhile, leaning over to cup her face in his hands and kiss her unhurriedly. Adoringly. She took his chin in her hand and pressed her lips to his forehead for a long moment.

 

"You're so beautiful." She said. Pushing her fingers up the line of his jaw and into his hair so she could kiss him again. He kept his touch light.

 

"Come to bed mi alma." He mumbled against her lips. _My soul_. She did. It was dizzying how fast she found herself against him, kissing up his throat and pulling him as close to her body as she could. His fingers fell between her legs and his tongue stroked over hers. She was flying.  

 

"Make me feel this, forever." She said. 

 

"Turned on?" He joked, taking his fingers back and putting them in his mouth, watching her pupils dilate with a primal sort of satisfaction. She laughed, suddenly unable to remember what she was saying. Her amusement made him grin and made their kisses a breathless.     

 


	4. Never Get Enough

She finally steadied her hands enough to unlock the door, stumbling into the apartment with him plastered to her front. She quickly found herself beneath him on the couch, groaning as he pulled down the v neck of her tee shirt to kiss at the tops of her breasts. Lucia was on Noah duty, leaving them to their own devices until tomorrow morning. Torrential rain was pounding against the windows. They were soaked to the bone but her skin was on fire and her heart was beating in her ears and _god almighty_ she felt good.  He paused abruptly, pushing hair back from his forehead and leaning down on an elbow to just look at her.

 

"Hi."

 

"Hey." There was something hauntingly gorgeous and ethereal about him. Tussled and flushed. Smiling. Solid. Elation bubbled up her throat and threatened to burst out in a fit of giggles. She sank her fingers into his hair and kissed him, tasting vodka and rainwater on his tongue. Her cell phone dinged three times in quick succession, signaling several text messages. She ignored them all. He put two slow sloppy kisses on her throat and she lost about 80% of her cognitive faculties.

 

"Is it work?" He asked. 

 

"Fuckin- I dunno." She shrugged and pulled at his collar. He swallowed a laugh at her expense.

 

"You don't know or you don't want to know?"

 

"I can't think when you're doing this." His hands flexed against her hips, pushing her shirt up her stomach.

 

"Doing what?"

 

"Shut up." He kissed her again.

 

"Doing what, Liv?"

 

"Everything. With your everything." She kissed at his cheek, nipping at his jaw. "Pretty boy." He let out the laugh he had been holding, burying his face in her neck.

 

"We should get out of these clothes." They were leaving a wet spot on the couch, no doubt. He got up first, tugging her up to her feet. She felt a little more clear-headed after shrugging her jacket and toeing off her shoes. Her phone rang halfway to the bathroom. She answered it with a sigh after pulling off her shirt.      

 

"Livvie, how tall are you?"

 

"Five seven. Who is this? What's happening?"

 

"It's Gail. How drunk are you?"

 

"Tipsy, but sobering up." She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She needed a glass of water. Rafael wrapped both arms around her naked waist, dragging his lips leisurely across her shoulders and the back of her neck. She pressed back against his bare chest and swallowed, crossing her legs and trying desperately to focus on the task at hand. He started to unbutton her jeans.

 

"I was watching little Jessie Rollins tonight and when Amanda got back we ran out for a quick dinner." Introducing Rafael and Lucia's young friend to Amanda might have been a mistake. Both from the south, they got on like a house on fire and brought the noise with them wherever they went. "We found this great little boutique between Gramercy and the Garment District. Great prices. Lots of different sizes. We'll have to find a tailor but I sent some pictures to your phone, I think it's right up your ally." Olivia put the phone on speaker and pulled up the texts she had received earlier. "Holy shit." Rafael stopped fidgeting and looked too.

 

"Wow." 

 

"Right? Want us to make an appointment while we're here?" He put the softest of kisses on the side of her head and carded his fingers through her hair in what he hoped was an encouraging gesture.

 

"Beautiful." He said under his breath. Gail snorted. "Hi Rafa. Put your hands in your pockets, Liv's gotta think." 

 

"Uh yah…Yes. please. Thank you." Olivia laughed. "I was just talking to Lucia the other day about dresses and how I needed some help so-"

 

"Say no more. We'll come with you. I'll call Lucia. We'll make an afternoon out of it. Night-night you two."

 

"Night." Olivia said a little dumbly, putting her phone on the counter and leaning on the sink. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her wet hair was clinging to her face and neck. Her bra straps were dangling off her shoulders. Her soaked jeans were unfastened and falling off her hips. She was a debauched mess. But Rafael was holding her. Beaming at her in the mirror. He maintained eye contact and kissed her shoulder again. He picked her arm up, gently pulling it back to wrap around his neck. She played with his hair as he kissed up her bicep towards her elbow.  "Would you like it if I wore something like that?" She asked.

 

"You could wear a nun's habit if you wanted."

 

"I'm serious. It's not white. Or a wedding dress really." Gail had sent pictures of evening gowns. Lacy numbers. Colorful prints. Soft designs. It was going to be the fanciest thing she had ever purchased but...more authentic. Easy.  

 

"It's a dress. You're wearing it to a wedding. It's a wedding dress." He said with a soft smile.

 

"In a chapel."

 

"A unitarian chapel." He reminded her. "And then a nice restaurant. Anything but traditional. What do _you_ want?" She pressed her lips together and thought for a moment, suddenly feeling a deep wave of affection for the man holding her.

 

"To be married to you already." The right corner of his mouth quirked up in a smile.

 

"I think you'll look stunning in any of those." He said. "Beautiful girl." He teased. She laughed, closing her eyes and leaning her cheek against his.

 

"I have to keep reminding myself that this is just a formality. Not that I don't want it…it'll be really nice but-"

 

"Nothing's hanging in the balance." He finished for her. 

 

"It's a celebration, right?" She agreed. "I should just relax."

 

"It's a vulnerable experience." He admitted. "I feel…so raw sometimes." She opened her eyes, turning in his arms to look at him properly, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I had a little much to drink with Mami the other day and-" He choked on a self deprecating laugh. "I shutdown." She raised an eyebrow. "It feels like one wrong step and this all goes away." He waved a hand around vaguely. Gesturing to her and the ceiling. They had shared this apartment for almost a year now. They worked so hard to put this roof over their heads. But she knew what he meant. Feeling so happy you feel guilty sometimes. Scared. 

 

"I'm still learning too. I never- I don't think I ever learned how to love someone the right way." She said softly, frowning a little. "I get scared too. I've never done or felt anything like this. I don't have anything left to hide from you. But I feel so happy and uplifted…we have to be going in the right direction. I can feel that in my gut, Rafa." 

 

"Tell me we're going to be okay."

 

"We're going to be okay, Rafael Barba. This is ours and we're going to protect it."  She kissed the corners of his eyes and held him close.

 

~

 

"Is this a bad time?"

 

"Not at all sweetheart, what's on your mind?" Olivia swallowed a yawn and sat crosslegged on the bathroom floor. Andrea let out a long breath.

 

"Professor Hannigan is very nice." Olivia smiled.

 

"He is." Rafael had helped Andrea get in touch with legal counsel but his favorite co-worker had quickly taken on the case pro bono.

 

"He filed some motions today. The nondisclosure was lifted about five minutes ago..."

 

"Congratulations Andy." Olivia grinned.

 

"I feel...really good. Free. Hannigan says it's a clean slate. Not that I didn't have one. But the official record is clean. I can do whatever I want. I never have to worry. Never have to think about it again."

 

"It's so true. It's a different kind of freedom." Olivia agreed. "Elyse showed me some of the art you have been making. You could put together a show. Write a book..."

 

"Hannigan's going to help me apply to Columbia next fall. I'm thinking about the art history program. I want to write. There are so many women like me trying to talk about this and-" She stopped. "You know."

 

"I do." Andrea sighed with relief. 

 

"Thank you."

 

"Any time. See you in group Monday?" 

 

"Yes ma'am."

 

"Get some sleep sweet girl. Tomorrow's a new day." Olivia hung up. Yawned. Stretched. The floor was cold. She hurried back to bed. Rafael was still propped against the headboard, grading papers in the low lamplight. The stack was pretty thick. It was late but he would be up awhile longer. Maybe an hour or two. She got back into bed, curling up next to him. He draped an arm across her thigh after pulling the covers back over her.

 

"Work?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. Emergency calls were few and far between for her position. 

 

"Andy."

 

"Everything okay?"

 

"Better than okay, sounds like." She yawned again.

 

"Tell me about it in the morning."

 

"It is morning." She said. 

 

"Shit." He squinted at the clock.

 

"Pick it up again later." He let out a tired sigh and dropped his papers in a careful stack on the floor, capping his red pen. She smiled bemusedly. It took surprisingly little convincing. He turned off the light and laid down next to her, planting a poorly aimed kiss on her chin before kissing her on the lips.

 

"Love you." She mumbled.

 

"Endlessly." He said softly.                       


	5. The Cure

Gail and Lucia were bent over their brunch plates and a spreadsheet. They were comparing notes on some of their students. They had a handful struggling with their practice state exams and a few more that would need serious accomodations for learning disabilities or behavioral issues. Rafael couldn't help but snicker. His mother had one of the best performing schools in Bronx but she wasn't about to rest on her laurels. 

 

"Nathan will be fine if we can break his testing anxiety." Gail decided around a bite of bacon.

 

"What about Chance?" Lucia ask, sitting back and tapping her pen against her leg as she signaled for a fresh mimosa. 

 

"He definitely needs a private room."

 

"We'll put him in my office then."

 

"Gail you've officiated before, right?" Rafael interrupted, fidgeting with his toast before abandoning it altogether. The women looked up, as if suddenly remembering he was seated across the table from them. The 23-year-old smiled and picked up her coffee cup.

 

"Five weddings and a hand fasting."

 

"Hand fasting?" Lucia raised an eyebrow.

 

"Wiccan tradition. Had to study for that one."

 

"You seriously do weddings?" Lucia continued, somewhat aghast.

 

"Oh yah. Certified and everything. It's not hard these days. I can notarize paperwork too." Gail laughed. "Look, when you're in your 20s all your dumber friends start to get married so I did it as a laugh for this girl I've known since first year. Did the reception pictures too. Word got out and cash money is always appreciated."    

 

"Ever been to the Church of All Souls on Lexington?" Rafael asked. 

 

"God, that place is beautiful. Big white columns and arches…" Gail finally started to catch on to the line of questioning. Lucia beamed.

 

"What a great idea, Rafi."

 

"Are you sure?" Gail looked like she wanted to cry, obviously very touched.

 

"Of course I am. The minister canceled on us, but you were always Liv's first choice." He joked. Gail wiped a tear through her giggles. Lucia kicked her son under the table.

 

"Manners."

 

"What? I'm giving up my best man here."

 

"I would be honored to officiate your ceremony, Rafael." She reached over to squeeze his hand. "Someone else should do a toast anyway. We’ve only been drunk together twice and it was just sad and weird and you weren't even all that drunk...and I was the one making a scene." The three laughed again, so much so the surrounding tables gave them bemused and vaguely irritated looks.

 

"Liv said Sonny was good for it." Lucia recovered first, sending Gail into another fit of giggles. Rafael almost choked on his scrambled eggs.

 

"We obviously still have some planning to do." He recovered. "But seriously. You've known us for awhile now, Gail. And Noah loves you. You're Mami's favorite daughter." Lucia rolled her eyes but put an arm around Gail's shoulder.

 

"You're family." Lucia corrected him.

 

"We trust you completely." Rafael said. 

 

"You're doing your own vows, right?" Gail asked. 

 

"Yep."

 

"Let me know when you're both finished. I'll come over and we'll talk about what you'd like in terms of style…"

 

"It'll be beautiful." Lucia affirmed. "Absolutely beautiful." 

 

"Thank you, Gail." Rafael smiled.

 

~

 

"Two weeks isn't a problem?" Olivia was slightly stunned when the Carnation House's board of directors all shook their head in unison.

 

"You don't want three? I took three for mine." Talia said from across the conference table.

 

"Won't be necessary." Olivia managed. "Thank you, though. Really."

 

"Details, girl. Spill." One of their psychologists sat back in her chair and crossed her legs. Everyone closed their notebooks and laptops, effectively ending the meeting. Olivia swallowed.

 

"Just a small ceremony. And a reception at a restaurant on the water." The group gushed and demanded to see pictures of Rafael. Her cheeks were flaming. But he was inordinately handsome with a beard and classic professor garb.

 

"Are you writing your vows?"

 

"Yah. That's the plan. He wants to adopt my son too so it just made sense-" She didn't think she'd ever get used to the excitement other people produced for her own life events. But the group of women around her seemed genuinely, sincerely thrilled for her.

 

"Where's the honeymoon?"

 

"We're just going to spend a childless week in Boston. Nothing fancy."

 

"I mean, he took you to Italy last year...nothing fancy." Erinna, their social media and outreach chair teased. "You have to show us all the pictures when you get back."      

 

~

 

He didn't realize that the sun had gone down until Olivia was tapping on his office door.

 

"Hey. You ready?" He smiled, let out a relieved sigh. 

 

"Five minutes." He finished up the paragraph he was typing. She sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk. She had stolen one of his scarves and was rather distractingly flushed from the brisk walk, but he managed. 

 

"Busy office hours?" She asked. The last students had only walked out a few minutes ago.

 

"Mmph. Very." He pushed up and leaned over the desk, kissing her hello.

 

"Busy Friday?" He packed his messenger back and went for his own coat and scarf. 

 

"A whirlwind." She sighed, sitting back and watching him dress for the chilly weather outside. "But my vacation days got approved. We're in the clear."

 

"Gail enthusiastically agreed to officiate this morning." Olivia beamed. "She wants to talk to you."

 

"She's going dress shopping with me tomorrow, so I bet we will." She slipped her hand into his after he locked his office door. It was Friday night. The building was almost empty. Most of the lights were out. "Lucy isn't expecting us for another two hours. Want to grab a drink?"

 

"Please."

 

The subway was crowded. He leaned against the wall next to the sliding doors, loosely linking an arm through one of the upright bars. She leaned against his shoulder, wrapping both arms around his waist to keep herself steady. The world around them kind of fizzled out of focus and the icy wind burns on his exposed skin quickly warmed up when she planted an affectionate kiss on his shoulder.

 

"Mazzios?" She asked.

 

"Might be crowded. Halladay's?"

 

"Good idea. I can get pasta." It was tiny little hole in the wall place a block or so from their apartment. They sat at the bar and got dinner as well as a few drinks, catching each other up on their days. They got a cheeseburger and fries for Noah before braving the cold again. There was a quick bodega stop and coffee run before heading home. He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She paused in the middle of a story. "You okay?"

 

"Me? Yes. Perfectly fine." He cleared his throat. "Missed you today." He mumbled as a gust of wind chilled them both to the bone. This week had been chaotic to say the least. There was hurried breakfasts, lazy dinners, and early bedtimes for the whole household. The weekend was going to be greatly appreciated. She covered the hand he had around her shoulder and linked their fingers.

 

Back in the blessedly warm apartment, they were finally able to unwind. Noah was bathed and fed and settled on the couch with a movie. Lucy was shooed off into the night. Rafael still had some emails to plow through. He set up shop at the dining room table. Olivia changed into some of his sweatpants and sat beside him, draping her legs over his lap as she skimmed through some leftover reports from work.

 

"Hey Mama, can we go to the park tomorrow?"

 

"If it's not icy. It's supposed to sleet tonight."

 

"If it's icy can we go ice skating?" Rafael and Olivia exchanged an amused look. They had promised to buy Noah ice skates once the public rinks got set up for the holidays. Telling him a month in advance might have been a mistake.

 

"It won't be that icy, baby boy." Olivia chuckled. "How about the museum?"

 

"SWEET." The little boy agreed, flopping back down on the couch. She paused awhile later to make everyone hot chocolate. Rafael idly sipped his drink and massaged her left ankle. He watched her alternate between reading and watching Noah, glasses pushed up on the top of her head. Something in his heart twisted. 

 

They were really doing this. This was really happening.

 

"I had a nightmare last night." He blurted out. She abruptly put her work down and looked at him, concern etched into every inch of her face. He didn't usually have them, but when he did they were bad. Really bad. 

 

"Did you-" Noah shushed them. He chuckled and she relaxed slightly. "Did you panic?" She asked in a whisper under the bombastic sounds of Noah's cartoon, slipping a hand around the back of his neck.

 

"No. It was different." He traced the soft impression below her ankle and plotted out his words carefully. "It's going to sound childish out loud."    

 

"Never, baby." She pressed a soft kiss to his temple. "We can talk about it later, if you want." He took her chin in his hand and kissed her on the lips. They finished their work a few minutes before Noah's movie ended. Rafael scooped him up.

 

"What are we reading tonight, corazoncito?" _Sweetheart_.

 

"Como se dice…Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?" Noah yawned.

 

"Ahhh Humberto Pacheco y la Piedra." 

 

"Aye Viejo." Noah groaned at the corny joke. _Old man._ It only took one chapter to put him out. Olivia was lying on the couch and flipping channels when he rejoined her, feeling significantly warmer and lighter already.

 

"He's really getting the hang of reading out loud." He said, smiling as she sat up to make room for him only to perch herself on his lap. She ran her fingers through his hair and looked at him intently.

 

"Are you okay, Rafael?"

 

"I'm okay."

 

"What's bothering you?"

 

"Nothing. Really." She pulled a face. "I don't know."

 

"You're allowed to admit you're stressed, baby." He ducked his head against her shoulder and took a deep breath.

 

"I keep dreaming about the way things used to be. Cops and lawyers. Cases and trials." He said finally.

 

"Fairly tame compared to previous ones." She pointed out. He nodded. "Anything specific?"

 

"No. And I barely remember them in the morning. But I feel…dread. Really intense dread. And sadness. It doesn't go away till I see you." She felt a twinge. Lately she had been leaving the apartment in the mornings before he really got out of bed, relegating their time together to noon or later. She framed his face with her hands and pressed delicate kisses to his cheeks and lips, silently swearing to reorganize her morning routine. Stay in bed a little longer.

 

He had been ruminating. Rafael Barba felt and thought so deeply about everything. He didn't wear his anxieties on his sleeve. Point blank. He preferred to swallow them down, never letting them see the light of day. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

 

"We're never going back." She said, smiling a little. He returned it.  "No take backs." He laughed lightly.

 

"It's just strange. I don't dream about my father any more. Or hospitals." She nodded her understanding. "Just about being far away from this."

 

"Things change. The earth moves. Time passes." She mused. "But I still wake up next to you." She watched him think, carefully putting words to his feelings.   

 

"My father was...codependent. Always jealous of everyone and everything that occupied our time. It almost killed my mother. I don't want to be that. It's cliche but-"

 

"You could never smother me like that, Rafael." She frowned. "He was angry and bitter. All he did was take from you. You are loving. You give."

 

"That's a fairly recent development." 

 

"You're never going to believe me when I say you were an incredible friend to me." She sighed, giving him a long look before narrowing her eyes playfully. "I guess I'll have to gather some empirical evidence." He gave her a wry smile. "But you need to know that you're allowed to want this. You're allowed to let this be the center of your life." Something in his head slid into place. Yah.  

 

He was allowed to want this. He was allowed to build his life around this. This was...everything.        

 

"The dreams will go away." She said, putting her forehead on his. And he believed her.                    


End file.
